


The Memorist

by starbender



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-19
Updated: 2017-10-05
Packaged: 2018-12-17 09:26:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 14,124
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11848692
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starbender/pseuds/starbender
Summary: Barry left a lot of broken pieces behind when he entered the Speed Force. One of them was Julian.So maybe this happened in an alternate timeline on Earth-25 but it happened. This is The Flash, after all.





	1. Chapter 1

 

_A sharp image of a little girl, laughing.  Standing by a grave, unbearable grief- image of a young man, raising a baby over her head, joy-_

Julian’s heart pounded so hard he thought it would beat its way out of his chest. Around him, people walked by on the busy street oblivious to what was happening inside his head  All he had done was pick up the handbag for the woman in front of him after it had fallen out of her hands onto the pavement. His hand barely touched hers in the exchange when it started.

“Are you alright?” she asked as she positioned the strap of the bag on her shoulder, her eyebrows raised in a moment of concern.

“Yeah, fine. Perfectly fine. Thank you,” he lied as he turned away.

_The woman was resilient, kind. Mary. She had lost her grandmother. The baby’s name was Michael, after his father._

_How do I know all that? What the hell…_

He felt his shoulder brush against someone and it started again. This time it was a young man.

_Watching his father at his desk, curiosity. In school, frustration-a young woman, happiness, an airport watching her leave, pain…_

“Excuse me,” the man said politely as he walked on.

_His father had great expectations of him. His name was David. He had challenges in school, a learning disability, found someone and had suffered loss._

_What is happening to me?_

Julian made his way to the edge of the pavement so he could stand clear of the foot traffic and take stock of the situation.  He stared down at his hands, then ran them through his hair. He started to touch his face and then realized his actions would look strange to any passerby who might happen to notice him but it confirmed that nothing obvious about himself had changed. He didn’t ‘feel’ any different. He hadn’t been zapped by lightning or anything equally dramatic and surely if this had anything to do with being Alchemy it would have shown up before now.  His immediate concern was to isolate himself. He had to get away from this crowd before he inadvertently intruded into someone else’s private life.

_Why did I think it was a good idea to walk home from H.R.’s memorial service?_

He took several deep breaths and looked up at the sky. Had it been less than an hour since he had said goodbye to H.R. and Caitlin?

_Caitlin._

There had been something there between them, even if was still in its early stages but he knew it was real, but to his own surprise, he found letting her go easier than he thought possible. She literally had to find herself and she needed to do that alone. It was all about her, not him, and what she needed. Even though it was probably the most unselfish thing he had done in a long time, it still hurt.  He hailed a cab and within ten minutes was back in the safety of his apartment. The first thing he did was take a good long look at himself in the mirror.  After all, those times of creating meta-humans while being controlled by Savitar did this mean some force in the Universe was having the last laugh?

 

 

_Caitlin, H.R. and now Barry?_

Julian thought he had adjusted to the world of meta-humans and speedsters. In other circumstances, the blue glow of the Speed Force would have filled him with wonder but now his scientific curiosity was stifled by disbelief. He didn’t know how many more losses this team could take. Anger took the place of confusion. His friendship with Barry had been stalled in its tracks before it had a chance to take root. He was just as gone as H.R and Caitlin. He heard Iris crying and turned to see the West family in a tight embrace. He felt a presence near him. Without looking he knew it was Cisco.

“I’m sorry mate,’ he said in an attempt to fill the void. “Your two best friends gone…”

“I don’t understand.” Cisco’s voice was broken.“I can’t explain what I’m feeling right now. Part of me is really angry at Barry. This is all  his fault but…” Julian glanced over at him. “I’d forgive him for everything if they’d just let him come back.” Cisco’s stared straight ahead and as the blue void closed, his eyes glowing, tears running down his cheeks.

Cisco seemed to realize who he was talking to. He reached over to take Julian by the arm.

 _No….no!_ The crystal clear images shot through his mind in quick succession. _Little Cisco being bullied, sharing a bottle of whiskey with his brother, anger at Barry, frustration with Julian and H.R., true affection for Caitlin and the Wests…pain, pain and more pain about Dante.  Kissing Gypsy…_

“You won’t say anything, being British and all that, but I know all this is hard for you. Caitlin didn’t mean those things she said when she was Killer Frost. I believe she really did care about you, Julian. She was just…afraid.”  Julian could hear Cisco’s voice but it was like he was speaking at the other end of a long tunnel. He did his best to gently move his arm to break contact. The images vanished.

“And we still could use your help at S.T.A.R. labs. Wally’s going to need us.” Cisco continued.

“Yes, of course. Right. I’ll do my best.” Julian always kept his own emotions in check but it was difficult to process someone else’s.

_Keep cool. Don’t show the struggle._

He had barely recovered when it started again. Iris brushing past him to go stand where Barry had last been seen. He saw her when she was small, growing up with Barry, realizing Barry was The Flash, Loving Eddie Thawne,  his death, anger at her father, frustration with her brother, loving and losing Barry. Iris’ life stretched out in front of him like a book and he felt everything.

“Bloody hell,” he said to himself. He covered his face with his hands in an attempt to wipe it all away.

“Are you going to be ok, Julian?” Once again Cisco sounded like he was far away.

_Damn. Is this going to keep happening for the rest of my life?_

“Yes, I will be. I just need to…go be alone for a while.” He let his hands drop to his side forcing his eyes to focus on something in the distance. He had things to do. He needed to run some tests on himself. He had to do what he could to fix this.

“I understand, “ Cisco said oblivious to Julian’s struggle. “So do I.  And I mean it, about helping Wally. You’re still part of the team.”

“Thanks, mate,” Julian said. He walked away without looking back.  The journey back home through the city was a blur.

Back in his apartment, he poured himself a drink. He stared hard and long at the amber liquid in the glass, wondering if alcohol or any drug could dull this thing. Of all the powers and abilities that were handed out, why was he saddled with this? It was more like a disease than any sort of asset.  

A strange idea began to form in his mind. It would be very easy to use this, to learn people’s deepest secrets and then extort money out of them for his silence. He would know everything they had done. He could even indulge in a little insider trading.  It would make his parents happy if he could somehow regain all the money he had lost when he went relic hunting in India. No one needed to know anything about it.

Just as the scheme started to take root he saw Caitlin’s face, rising out of his thoughts like a warning angel. That’s how their relationship had started. Their mutual bonding over being forced to do despicable things and their shared quest to find redemption. Over and over he had told her she was Caitlin Snow, not Killer Frost.  To go over to the dark side would feel like a betrayal of all that time they spent together and right now, that was all he had left.

 


	2. Chapter 2

The knocking would not stop.

“Julian! Julian!” It was Cisco. Julian groaned and looked around his apartment. He had slept on the couch and the table in front of him was covered in bottles and empty glasses. All around him things were scattered on the floor and tables. Music blared from his computer. He hoped the noise would distract him but it didn’t work, just like everything else he had tried.  His normally neat and organized life had gone to hell along with his brain.

He hadn’t been sleeping well. Nothing would silence the questions that kept turning over and over in his head and then there was that all nighter when he had snuck into the CSI lab to run tests on himself. The results did nothing to improve his mood.

It took great effort to walk across the room.  He opened the door, greeting Cisco’s hand in the air in mid-knock and his mouth formed ready to speak.

“Julian? It’s been two days.  You weren’t answering our calls or texts-and what the hell happened here?” Without waiting to be invited he walked in the room, not noticing how Julian made a small step to the side to avoid bumping into him.

“Wow. Caitlin’s leaving really hit you hard!” He picked up an empty bottle. “You know man, she wouldn’t want you to do this. She would want you back at the lab because right now we could really use your help. Harry and Jay think we might have an idea on how to get Barry back.” Julian shut the door, crossing the room to turn off his computer, hoping Cisco hadn’t noticed the picture of Caitlin and the information contained on the screen.

“I’m sorry Cisco. The days just sort of…melding together. I didn’t realize how much…time had passed. Getting Barry back, that’s good news.”

“So why don’t you put yourself together and come back with me. I’ve got a great hangover cure.” Cisco’s voice was bordering on the chirpy. The old Julian would have snapped at him but now he didn’t have the mental or physical energy to respond. Cisco noticed. Any other time his colleague would have rambled on but today he was being unusually perceptive.  Cisco came closer, staring into his eyes, making Julian uncomfortable.

“Something else is wrong, Julian. This isn’t just about missing Caitlin is it?” He reached out to touch Julian’s arm.

Julian immediately pulled back. “Don’t touch me!” His tone was as strong as he could make it without actually yelling. “What is it with you bloody Yanks, always touching people!”

Cisco dropped his hand to his side. “Now I know there’s something wrong. What is it? You’re not having blackouts again are you?”

“I wish.” Julian sat on his couch in resignation.

“Talk to me. What’s going on?” Cisco asked sitting down beside him. Julian’s started to fall back into his old habit of pushing people away, to deny everything but that was before Caitlin.

_Caitlin._

He waved a dismissive hand in the air. “What the hell. Keeping secrets hasn’t gotten any of us anywhere and self-medicating isn’t helping.  You’re not going to like what I have to say.” He took a few moments before continuing. “ When I touch people, or they touch me, I can see their memories and I.... feel their emotions.”

Cisco’s eyes widened, his mouth dropped open. It took a long time for his face to unfreeze from that expression.  “Whoa…that’s…serious. So you think you’re a Meta? I know we’re not among your favorite people-”

“I’m not a Meta and that’s not just denial speaking.  I did manage to sneak out of here, in the middle of the night, and go to the lab at CCPD and run a few tests on myself.  I wasn’t here for particle accelerator explosion and there is nothing in my work up similar to any of Savitar’s Metas. I’m still fully human, just a… a freak of some kind.”

“You’re not a freak. If I were to guess I’d say it had to do with Savitar using your brave waves as a walkie talkie. He might have done some redecorating while he was in there. We have to get you down to Star Labs, like right now!”

“But wouldn’t it have shown up before now?”

Cisco shrugged his shoulders. “Sometimes it doesn’t happen right away. It didn’t with me or Jessie.  Come on, let’s get you taken care of!” He got up but turned around sharply as if something had just occurred to him.

“You can sense people’s memories and emotions. Who’s exactly?” Julian knew what he was asking and dreaded having to tell him.

“Some random people on the street and Iris…and you.” He considered keeping that last part secret but he was done with secrets.

“Me? What…exactly…did…you…see?” Cisco enunciated each word slowly, his mouth in an exaggerated fake smile. Any other time or place it would have been funny. Now it was painful.

“Cisco, stop. I’m not doing it on purpose and I don’t like feeling like a voyeur. In fact, I hate this. I hate everything about it and I want it to go away.”

“Just for the record, can you share something from me…something not too embarrassing, just to see if it’s what you think it is.”

“Are you sure you want me to do this?” Julian asked.  The two men shared a look of mutual apprehension. 

“Not really but we sort of have to. What did you see?”

Julian sighed and looked over at his window. This is what he would do. Look away when he had to reveal to people what he knew about them.

“One Christmas you and Dante stayed up late, sharing a bottle of whiskey…"

“Catlin could have told you about that…” Cisco’s skepticism was showing itself in his voice and Julian couldn’t blame him.

“Catlin didn’t tell me. Your elderly aunt came in the room and threatened to wake everyone up if you didn’t let her have a shot." 

“Damn!” The force behind that single word was enough to force Julian to look back at him.  His friend’s eyes were wide, staring at nothing, his mouth hanging open.  Laughter started to bubble up inside Julian at Cisco’s reaction.  “Damn! Damn!” Cisco said again, slumping back down on the couch so hard Julian was afraid his colleague might have hurt himself. “I’ve never told anyone about that. Aunt Serena swore us to secrecy!” His eyes zoomed from his memory back to the present, fixing his eyes on Julian with such intensity making him want to hide away again.

“Are you convinced?” Julian asked. Cisco wouldn’t stop staring. “And I’m sorry. I didn’t want to intrude, I just can’t seem to help it.”

“Of course you didn’t,” Cisco replied but his mind was clearly elsewhere. “It’s not your fault. Let’s go.” Jumping back up he started to reach down to help Julian up but stopped himself in mid grasp. “It’s a good thing you’re British,” he said pulling his hand back.

“Why?”

“It’ll make this whole no touching thing a lot easier.”

 


	3. Chapter 3

“I really don’t want to do this Harry.”  The chair in Caitlin’s office was comfortable. If all this wasn’t happening he could easily fall asleep here.

 _Caitlin._   

Everything there reminded him of her. The memories were sharp and painful.  She would have talked him through the post-traumatic stress that shot through him when Cisco positioned the scanning headset on him for the fourth time.  He hated that thing.  He wanted to hear her soft voice telling him he was going to be ok.

“I understand this might be uncomfortable for you.” Harry was doing his best to make his voice to sound soothing. It wasn’t working because everything about Harry reminded Julian of their lost friend H.R.

“Uncomfortable? Uncomfortable? You realize I’ll know everything about you, Harry.  You’ll look at me differently-things won’t be the same.”

“I know. But this time, it’s consensual. We have to do this in order to know what happens to your brain during one of these incidents. I’ll trust you to keep my secrets, plus there's the fact that I'll spend most of my time back on my earth so we won't interact that often. It's logical." ” Julian glanced over at Cisco who was standing in front of a monitor, ready to read the scan. 

“It’s the only way Julian,” he said shrugging his shoulder.

“Easy for you to say. You know how many times I’ve heard those exact same words? In this exact same situation?” Julian knew his protests would have the same effect they always did.

Harry said nothing but extended his arm. Taking a deep breath to steel his nerves, Julian forced his fingers to encircle Harry’s wrist.

It was just like before. He saw it all, images of Harry’s childhood, his academic career, grief at the death of his wife, his close relationship with Jesse, and the ordeal with the fake Jay Garrick and finally of his feelings of loss as Jesse started to become her own person. He broke away himself, pulling his hand away before falling back in the chair. His eyes automatically shut tight but they were full of tears. His cheeks felt wet. Blindly he tried to wipe them dry, still keeping his eyes shut, not wanting to face anyone.

“Julian, look at me,” Harry commanded. It was hard but he forced himself to open his eyes and look into the man’s eyes. “It’s alright. It’s fine” he continued. Now his voice was soothing and full of understanding. “Consider this a scientific experiment. Disassociate. Be objective.

“I’ll try,” Julian said.

“Parts of your brain that should be dormant lit up like a Christmas tree, and your face-I hate to remind you of this but it’s just like it was when you channeled Savitar,” Cisco said. He came over to remove the headset before returning to the monitor.  “You looked angry at times, happy at times…sad. You started crying...  Your brain wave patterns have changed. It’s like, your neural pathways and synapses have constructed completely new routes to travel through your mind. It’s actually kind of cool. I feel confident in saying, Savitar did this to you.”

“So what’s the difference between this, and what you do?” Julian asked. He sat up in the chair, doing his best to wipe the memories of Harry’s past away and follow his advice. _Disassociate. Be objective._

“I just see events,” Cisco said, placing the headset back in its receptacle before turning back to face Julian. “ You actually get inside people’s heads.”

“Lucky me. So is there a way to stop this? To get rid of it?”

“I don’t know. I’m not really sure what to call this…ability. Touch telepathy? Touch Empathy? And I have no idea what to call _you_. Savitar was obsessed with the past, with memory.  The Memorist maybe?  I know you wouldn’t want anything too cute. Hmm….  I wish Caitlin was here,” Cisco said as he bent over the monitor and pushing keys, causing the graphics on the screen to change.   

 _Caitlin._   

They hadn’t mentioned her name until now. She was like a ghost in the room.  Julian didn’t know if it was out of respect for him or for their own feelings.

“When she left here she went to Star City,” Julian said. It was a small secret but he had to get it out there. He had arranged it as a distraction, another attempt to focus his attention on something other than himself.

Cisco’s eyebrows raised at this revelation.“You had her followed?”

“I was worried about her, you know.” The old defensive Julian was back, jumping to conclusions, seeing antagonism in places where it didn’t exist. He sat up, ready to do verbal combat defending himself.

“We know Julian.” Cisco’s voice was sympathetic instead of angry “We all are.”

“But then I realized she might not appreciate me stalking her so that’s where it ended but yeah, that’s where she went first.” Julian fell back in the chair.

“That’s only natural,” Harry said. “We want to protect the ones we love.”

“Well, you would know, wouldn’t you?” Julia snapped. Harry’s head jerked back, his eyes narrowed. The way he was biting his lip Julian knew he was doing his best to hold back a retort.

Julian immediately regretted his words. The lengths Harry had gone to protect Jessie was still fresh in his own brain. “I’m sorry Mate. That was uncalled for,” Julian said with real contrition. “But that proves what I’m up against here. I don’t want this stuff in my head.”

Harry said nothing for a moment, crossing his arms in front of him as he sat back in his chair. “How long has it been since you had a good night’s sleep?” He asked.

“I don’t know. Three days maybe?” Julian replied.

“Why don’t  you stay here tonight,” Harry said.  “ Get some rest. Now that we know what’s happening tomorrow we’ll start fresh and work on doing something about it.”

“And I’ll get in touch with Felicity. See what she knows and maybe she can help us,” Cisco said.

“Shouldn’t you all be focusing your attention on getting Barry back? I don’t want to be a distraction…”Julian didn’t like being the center of attention.

“We thought about this, as a team and decided that since this is another thing caused by Flashpoint, Barry, wherever he is, would want us to do everything to take care of it. He really wanted to make things right.  He wouldn’t want you to suffer,” Cisco said. Harry nodded in agreement.

Julian left them, stumbling through the long empty corridor to the basement. Sitting down on one of the cots he mentally replayed the events of the past year. Every image was sharp, sharper than it had ever been before as if he were looking at his own life on a digital replay.  Was his own memory being messed with? Would bad things no longer fade away?  He allowed anger to overwhelm him. Barry was gone, Savitar destroyed but here he was, left behind with his life so messed up he wondered if there was any way he could be saved, or if he was doomed to live in isolation for the rest of his life. Laying down on his bed the events of the past year played over and over again in his head...

_Caitlin._

 


	4. Chapter 4

Julian woke up hung over by the sleeping medication but the fog cleared after a strong cup of tea. Sleep did help. It was good to be here, with the team helping him out than trying to muddle through this on his own. One of the best things Caitlin had done for him was to convince the others to let him have a place here. It had been a long time since he had friends.

_Caitlin._

He walked out into the hallway, preparing his mind to undergo another day of testing but he stopped short when he rounded the curve of the corridor.

“Hello, Julian.” There was no mistaking that soft voice. She was there, Caitlin and not Caitlin.The long white hair was tied back, but the face, the eyes were the same. He wanted desperately to run over and wrap his arms around her but he stopped short remembering his affliction.

“Hello, Caitlin." A beat as he forced himself to overcome the shock of seeing her." I’m afraid this time I can’t give you a hug, much as I’d like to.” It was a reference to that time after he had returned from a trip, it was still early days for them and they had met each other at the elevator and didn’t know whether to embrace or shake hands.

“I understand," she said, giving Julian a smile." I’m sorry about what’s happened to you. There’s no way we could have predicted this. Felicity got in touch with me and told me what was going on - and did you have me followed?” she asked, using the same tone she used when she gently scolded him about things like his interpersonal skills.

“Just to Star City. That’s all. Forgive me?”

“I will this once,” she smiled as she motioned to him to walk beside her. Side by side they walked down the long seemingly endless corridor to the lift. “I looked at the test results and I agree with Harry and Cisco’s conclusions. This is a leftover side effect from being Alchemy. I'm afraid he did a real number on your hippocampus.”

“But wouldn’t it go away, after Iris killed Savitar and erased him from existence?”

“Wally still has his speed and there are other Alchemy made Metas still out there. As much as we know, there’s so much more we don’t understand.”

“Can you get rid of it? Fix it?” They had reached the elevator. He didn’t like to think about the Alchemy made Metas. He had made them. As Alchemy. She pushed the button and allowed him to enter first.

“I’m sorry, she said as the doors closed. “I’ve run all kinds of simulations and so far everything we’ve thought off is far too dangerous. You might have to just learn to live with it like I’m doing.” Their eyes met and Julian knew they were thinking the same thing. No one else could understand what they shared. No matter what happened from this day on or what became of them, they would always have this bond.

He was shocked when he walked into the Cortex. He was expecting to see Cisco and Harry but Iris, Wally, and Joe were also there. They were positioned in a semi circle around the main desk and each one looked at Julian warily but none of them seemed afraid of him.

“Hello, Julian,” Joe said finally breaking the silence. “We hear you’ve had a rough couple of days.” Julian managed a weak smile and nodded briefly to his real world boss and Wally. He felt awkward looking at Iris, remembering he had looked into her mind and instinctively looked away.

“Julian, look at me,’ She said. Her voice was gentle. “Harry and Cisco told me what happened.’ Julian forced himself to look into her large dark eyes and found no fear or condemnation. “I know it’s not your fault and I trust you to keep my secrets.”

“Thank you. I will.” Julian said instantly relieved.

Cisco, by her side, crossed his arms in front of him and started to rock back on his heels. His face was skewed up in his classic confused expression. “Let me get this straight. How come you get all embarrassed with Harry and Iris but had very little problem with me? Is my life that boring?” he demanded.

It wasn’t meant to be funny but somewhere off the side, Julian heard a snicker which became a giggle and then exploded from there. Wally was laughing. It was the first time in a long time Julian had heard honest laughter in this place. The mood of the room shifted with Joe and Harry chuckling softly to themselves, Caitlin joined Wally, laughing with a little more restraint and even Iris managed a small smile. The only one not laughing was Cisco who stared at Julian still demanding an answer.

“What can I say, mate?”Julian allowed a broad smile to cross his face and he threw up his hands in surrender. He needed this. He hadn’t laughed for days. “Don’t worry. I’ll keep your secrets too, even if there aren’t that many there.” This time Wally’s laughter increased to the point where he had to turn his face away from the group for a moment.

Cisco bit his lip, obviously not liking being in the position of being the object of gentle derision from his friends even if he had brought it on himself. “If you’re through having a good laugh at my expense we have something for you, Julian. Something we hope will stop everyone else’s brain waves from connecting with yours. He walked around in front of the counter, laying something down there. The gesture was not lost on Julian. It was to avoid accidentally touching him. Walking over he saw a pair of black gloves.

“This is an experiment. Try them on. We’re trying to create your personal dampening field. It's our attempt to reverse the tech I use. I have to warn you, we’re not sure if it’s going to work."

“This looks like something I’d buy for myself.” Julian mused out loud as he picked them up to look at them. They were for all intents and purposes, tailored driving gloves.

“I know. I had a look at your shopping habits. You have expensive tastes,” Cisco said as breaking into his friend’s laptop was a regular occurrence.

‘You went through my browser history?” Julian felt unreasonably violated.

“Well, yeah, but considering the fact that you actually rummaged around in my brain…”

“Say no more!” Julian said. Somewhere on the other side of the room, Wally snickered again. He slid the gloves over his hand but before he could hold them up to admire them shocks of pain shot through his head. “Bloody hell!” The feeling of small needles ripped through his brain in a weird intense rhythm.

“Damn it. I was afraid of this.” Julian heard Cisco’s rush to his side and was dimly aware of him tugging the gloves off. Images flashed through his mind again when he made contact and then the shocks ceased.

Julian raised his head to stare into Cisco’s eyes. “Bloody hell!" Those were the only words that could describe what he had just seen.

“I’m really sorry” Cisco turned one of the gloves inside out to rip out a part of the lining, exposing a network of small microfilaments. "Like I said, it’s an experiment. This will take time but I promise you...what?”

The latest revelation about Cisco was fresh in Julian’s brain, as clear as everything else that had just recently transpired in the room. “It seems I don’t just see memories, I’m can see people’s bloody fantasies as well!”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean I just saw you as the CEO of a big company, with a beautiful woman on each arm...sorry. “ Julian stopped himself before going any further. He was going to have to careful in the future. “Didn’t mean to say that out loud....”

Cisco started to walk backward, slowly, never breaking his visual contact with Julian. “What did you say?”

“You. I saw you, looking more well dressed than I ever was, with two women and then I saw you in a board room, your board room. I’m sorry Cisco, you did ask me to tell you.”

Cisco’s eyes broke away to look at the other team members in the room. Julian followed his gaze and saw a succession of shocked faces. Wally’s mouth was hanging open. The surreal silence went on for far too long.

“What? Someone say something! Anything!” Julian demanded. No one spoke. They were staring at him, making him feel like more of a freak than he already did.

“Dude, this is officially weird,” Cisco said at last.

“You’re telling me what I just saw was real? I've seen your whole life, remember? When did you find time to start your own company?” Julian found the reaction of everyone around him more unnerving than anything he had faced so far.

“That wasn't a fantasy, Julian,” Caitlin's voice went calm, soothing as if she were talking to a child. "What you saw...happened in Flash Point. You not only have the ability to probe other people’s memories, it seems, you can also see into other timelines.”

.


	5. Chapter 5

“In every other way, you’re perfectly fine,” Caitlin was saying. It doesn’t seem to be affecting you physically, except like everyone else, you need rest, and you need to eat. Isolating yourself down here isn’t going to help. A person doesn’t have to be a doctor to know this isn’t good for you mentally.” She sat on the bed opposite his in Julian’s bare sterile quarters.  Cisco had brought a few of his personal items from his apartment and for that, he was grateful even though it did little to take away from the stark atmosphere of the room, but he decided he liked the lack of decor.  His brain was starting to be overwhelmed with so much information so the bare walls and mostly empty room became an oasis.

“It can’t be good for one person to carry around all those memories. We want to help you…” She moved over to sit beside him.

“You’re doing nothing but help me, while Barry is stuck…” Julian automatically moved away from her, creating a space. It was becoming a natural reaction. She noticed.

“We’ve explained that. Right here, right now, you’re what’s important. Why don’t we…go out for a drink this evening?”

“You can’t be serious?” His reaction was so different from what it would have been just a few weeks ago.

“Sure. The gloves are working better, are they?”  After three days of experiments and mild headaches, Cisco had finally gotten the process down to where all he felt was mild shocks when he first put them on. It was a small price to pay for a working dampening field. “You need to get out. Going about your normal routine is part of learning to live with it. Trust me on this one, Julian.”

She was the only one he could trust completely. The others might say they understood and they tried but their imaginations could only go so far.  “Alright. But it will have to be tomorrow. Wally said he had some kind of crazy idea he wants me to hear.”

“That’s fine. Tomorrow it is. Good night Julian.”

“Night Caitlin.” It was no good asking her the impossible, to stay with him.  Wally immediately appeared in the door way, his face full of enthusiasm.  One of his own memories came back to him, he saw himself, clear as crystal, talking to Emma. He was off to University and she out of all the family was happy for him and he probably looked much like Wally did right now. _Was I ever that young?_

“How’s it going?” Wally asked, taking Caitlin’s place on the bed opposite him.

“Better. Caitlin and I are going out for drinks tomorrow night,” Julian didn’t know why he said that. He wasn’t the bragging type but it seemed like an almost normal thing to say under the circumstances.

“Great!” Wally’s face lit up even more. “Good! Fantastic!” Silence passed. Julian could tell Wally was searching for a way to say what was on his mind.

“So what did you want to talk about?” Julian asked.  

Wally seemed grateful for the opening. “I had this idea, when I first heard about what happened to you and how they couldn’t fix it but I waited, because too much too soon and all that, and we had to wait to see if Cisco’s invention would work or not and then…

“Wally?” Julian had to step in.

“Oh yeah, sorry.” Wally sat up straight and looked Julian straight in the eyes.  “I think you can, focus your…abilities. Harness them. Get to the point where you can go straight to a particular point in time without having to see ALL of someone’s life events. I mean, I learned to control my speed, Cisco can control his vibe powers…all the good guy Metas learned to do this. I think you can too. It would just take training and practice. “

“Practice?”

“Yes. I’ve cleared this with everyone and they don’t think it will hurt you, and you can use me as a practice guinea pig! I volunteer.”

“You? Why you?”

“Because I’m the youngest. Less stuff to sort through. If it’s too much for you, we’ll stop, but we should at least, try. If it works, it would be better for you too, in the long run. Dad said if you could do this it would be a big help to the team. You would know if someone was telling the truth about something or not, but it would have to be your decision of course, and of course the other person would have to agree. He said you couldn’t go ‘all Memoirist’ on someone against their will, but most innocent people would want it!”

“You mean be like a… human lie detector.”

“It’s just an idea. You wouldn’t have to, if you didn’t want to.”

Julian hadn’t considered the idea that what had happened to him could be used as a positive force. Everything Wally said made sense. Others had been able to focus, to control their new found abilities. Why couldn’t he? Wally _was_ the most logical choice for a test subject. 

“There is one thing though, if you see me in other timelines, I don’t want to know about it. Ok?” Wally said, interrupting his thoughts.

“No problem. Have the others figured out why that is happening?”

“I heard Cisco and Harry talking about it and I didn’t understand a thing they said. They said they would let you in on what their theory tomorrow morning. So how about we get started?”

“Now? You want to start now?” 

“Why not?”

Why not indeed. He had nothing else to do with his time except wait.

 

It took a great deal of time and concentration but Wally’s idea was working. He would give Julian a date, a boring day at school where his professor told him he liked one of his designs. The other moments of his short life flipped through Julian’s brain like the pages of a comic book. Julian kept his promise and did not tell Wally about the other lives he lived. Wally, his mother alive and happy, with his dad and Iris, but no Barry, Wally with no speed, Wally racing a car and accidentally killing someone. He started to number them. Life 1, Life 2…. _Wally in this timeline, on this day…._

Then he saw it. A shadowy world, a complex place full of light and shadow. Julian could tell at once this was different from the other memories. This time he was part of it, instead of an observer.  He moved through a substance, not liquid, not solid. He felt at peace and restless at the same time. Everything good and terrible was here. He wanted to run, and wanted to stay. Going through the halls of a building he entered a room and saw Wally’s mother. He couldn’t leave…

Julian pulled his arm away. He had seen the death of Wally’s mother many times, in different timelines but none of them looked like that. Was he now entering into people’s subconscious?

“I saw it. Again. Clear as crystal.” Julian said as he pulled away. He was telling the truth. He had seen the boring day in the classroom again. The rest he would keep to himself, for now.  “I was able to speed through everything else. This was a good idea you had. Might make things a bit…easier.”

“Well, everyone was doing all these things to help you and I was just sort of feeling…left out.” Wally said, with uncharacteristic modesty. “I’m a little surprised it worked because it was such a wild idea…”

“Wild idea or not, thank you. I owe you one.”

“Great!” He was practically bouncing with excitement once again reminding Julian of how young he was. “Well, it’s alright with you, I’ve to get home. Big day tomorrow. I want to know what’s happening with you, same as everyone else. I just hope I can understand it but Cisco’s pretty good at dumbing things down. Goodnight!”

Julian smiled at the apt description of Cisco exposition talents as Wally left him. He began to get ready to turn in.  He wasn’t exactly alone here, Harry was somewhere in the building but he usually stayed up late, working on this problem and Julian was under orders to rest so they rarely saw each other during the night hours. He decided to forgo the sedative that he had been regularly taking so he could think. He was intelligent and was of a mind to come up with his own theories this evening. Laying down at last he stared at the white ceiling so he could concentrate on the strange space in Wally’s mind that both attracted and repelled him. 

 

“So Savitar, or the Barry Allen Time Remnant, was a fixed point in time.” Cisco was drew a big X in the center of the on the big transparent board. “Everyone with me?”

They were all there, along with Joe and Iris. Even Jay Garret had joined them. He was standing on the opposite end of the room, his arms crossed in front of him, his eyes trained on Cisco.

“I’m familiar with the concept.” Julian said. “Go ahead.”

“You can’t destroy a fixed point.” Cisco emphasized this by drawing a circle around the X.

“But Iris shot him!” Wally said. “We all saw it happen!”

“Yes, and no. She shot the physical body of a Time Remnant of Barry Allen but the essence of who he was, was not destroyed. What we think is, it found refugee, here.” On one corner of the board he drew stick figure and printed the name ‘Julian’ above it. Then he drew a line from the center X to the stick figure.

Julian stared hard at the crude representation of himself. “So in other words, I’m carrying around a remint of a Time Remnant in my head?”

“In a way. Savitar lived through different timelines and he was stuck in the speed force for a long time. He had to have absorbed some sort of…temporal energy which he passed onto you.”

“Why me?”

“We’re not sure yet but we have theories. Maybe because your mind had already played host to him and while he was there, he reworked a few things and that’s where he returned because it knew it could survive there. Thing is, we can’t remove it. It’s not exactly a parasite as it doesn’t seem to be growing and it’s not feeding off of you. It’s not organized. It’s not its own separate sentient being.  It’s just…there, but it’s active.  Because Savitar was in Speed force for so long and was able to move back and forth through multiple time lines, he passed that knowledge onto you.” Now Cisco drew several lines away from ‘Julian’. That’s why you can see into other timelines. You’re seeing what he saw. You have his memories. I’m not sure why you are able to see everyone else’s…yet. We’re still working on that.”

“This might also explain the team’s behavior toward the Time Remnant in the other timeline.” It was Harry’s turn. Getting up from his place at the workstation, he took the marker from Cisco. “He was ‘shunned’ not because he wasn’t the true Barry Allen, but because of an innate natural aversion to temporal anomalies, similar to averting fire,” he said, drawing flame like lines around the X in the middle of the board and inserting little figures outside of the ‘fire’.  “No one in that timeline could explain it, they just knew being around TR Barry made them uncomfortable, as in disoriented, so Time Remnant Barry interpreted it as ‘shunning.”

“Which led to him becoming Savitar!” Jay offered. He uncrossed his arms, walking over to the board to study it more closely.  Both Cisco and Harry nodded in agreement. “So that’s the connection! I admit that was the one thing that did not make sense to me! I couldn’t imagine this team just turning their back on someone in his situation. That’s the one thing in this whole story that bothered me the most.” 

Behind him Iris sat down in an empty chair, covering her face with her hands. They all watched her until she looked up again. Her eyes were moist but she said nothing.

 Julian rubbed his hands together as he considered everything he had just heard. He wasn’t used to wearing the gloves all the time and the feeling of the fake leather startled him. He stared at them for a moment and then back up at the team.

“The best you can do is learn to live with it. Wally told us his experiment seemed to be working.” This was Harry again. He went back to his seat in the middle of the workspace.

“Yes, It is. I’m still a beginner but I guess I’ll get better with it over time. I mean, the rest of you have managed to live with your…” Julian still hated the word ‘powers’.

“Our situations.” Caitlin supplied.

“Your situations.” Julian repeated as he continued to stare at his hands and then back to the board. The big circle around the fixed point caused a wave of depression to flow through him. A part of him wanted to go back to his sterile room with the bare walls and simply retreat from his work, from Caitlin, from everything which was instantly replaced with anger and a need to fight back. He would never stop trying to find a way to get this thing out of his head so he needed to tell the others about the conclusion he had reached during the long hours of the previous night.

“First of all, I want to thank all of you for the work you’ve put into this, to helping me. I appreciate it and if this thing can help the team in anyway, just say the word. I do have one other thing I need to tell you.”  He had to think for a moment before continuing. He had to be careful how he spoke the words.

“Last night, when I was working with Wally, I believe I entered the Speed Force.”

  


 

 

 

 

 

  


  
 

  


 

 


	6. Chapter 6

“So what you’re saying is if Julian, Wally, and Jay all sit in a circle holding hands and concentrate on the speed force and the rest of us really really believe, we can bring Barry back? Just like Tinkerbell?”  The sarcasm dripped from Joe’s voice. Julian stood outside the door to the back office and leaned against the wall. He couldn’t blame his boss for being skeptical. When said out loud like that it did sound ridiculous.

“No, we’re not saying that. We don’t know if we can use it to get Barry back, but we might be able to communicate with him, or at the very least, see if he’s ok.” Cisco voice kept rising and fading. It took a moment for Julian to figure out his friend was pacing around the room.

Iris and Wally left almost immediately after Julian’s revelation, something to do with her needing Wally’s help with a story she was working on, but Julian suspected she had used that as an excuse to get away. She didn’t want to get her hopes up and he didn’t blame her. He almost wished he hadn’t said anything because his vision had once again brought division to the team.

“I say it’s worth a try. He’s gone in there once and come out again and Caitlin tells us it doesn’t seem to have affected him in any way,” Jay offered. “What could it hurt?”

“How does Julian feel about this?” Joe asked.

“He’s not thrilled about it, but he’s not opposed to the idea either.” Cisco’s voice had stopped fading. He was apparently now standing still.

“That’s a non-answer. We can’t go forcing him to….”

Julian had gone back and forth about the idea in his mind for a whole day. Being able to communicate with Barry was a noble goal but it would mean going back into that place. A place he didn’t belong. Life, death, love and loss lived there, leaving him with an unsettled feeling. A perfect balance between revulsion and attraction.

The arguing started to get louder so he decided that now was the time to make his appearance. He tried to appear nonchalant, giving nothing away, doing his best to make it look as if he was just wandering by instead of eavesdropping on his friends.

“Hey Julian,” Joe said. “We were just talking about you.”

“Of course you were. I’d be surprised if you weren’t.  That was a bit of a plot twist to spring on everyone.”

“A bit of a plot twist?” Cisco threw back his head, shaking his head while laughing at the ceiling. His eyes went to Harry who was seated across the room, then back to Julian. “Do you realize this might be the only safe way we have of looking in speed force? Without having to leave a hostage?”

Before Julian could answer the silence was broken by the sound of rushing wind and a wave of color. No matter how many times he had witnessed it, Julian could never get used to the sudden appearance of the speedsters. Wally popped into the room, short of breath which was unusual for him. 

“Julian, you have got to come back with me! We need you…”

“Need me? for what?”

Wally turned to Cisco. Julian instinctively knew that Wally’s physical state was the result intense emotions and not from physical exertion.  “Remember a few months ago, we suspected there was a Meta who was able to just blow things up with his mind? You called him the…”

“The Bombardier? Yeah- we saw him on surveillance videos, but never could see enough of him to make an ID. He would blow something up and then disappear,” Cisco said. “Have seen or heard anything out of him for months.”

“I remember,” Joe added. “We never really went after him because apart from property damage, we’ve no evidence he’s used his powers during the course of a crime. The incidents were random like he was just trying his powers out. Took place in deserted out of the way places.  He’s hurt no one….so we sort of put him on the back burner.”

“Well, Iris has been investigating the break-in at a warehouse on the waterfront and it looked like the same MO as your guy. The only thing is, he found out she was tracking him and is now claiming his innocence…on top of a building downtown. He’s threatening to jump. Iris is there with him and we thought maybe Julian could go and…”

“See if he’s telling the truth?” Julian felt a great sense of unease. Someone on the verge of suicide would have a lot of negative emotions running through his mind, something Julian was hesitant to share but if he could help save a life… “I don’t really have a choice do I? Where is he? I’ll….”

“No time!” Wally reached over and grabbed Julian’s arm and they were off. Now he was part of it, the rush, the color, the heart-stopping…

And then it was over. He was on the roof of the building. A young man stood close to the ledge, his back to the open air with Iris a few feet away. He looked like he was about twenty, with short dark hair. He appeared startled by the sudden appearance of Wally and Julian but immediately focused back on Iris.

“I’m telling you, I didn’t do it!” He shouted at Iris. “I wasn’t there. I don’t do this on purpose. It’s something that just…happens! I hate it!” With those words, a small explosion took place to the right of Wally and Julian. The central air system broke apart and pieces fell through the air, the rubble of it landing to close to the trio for comfort. The suddenness of it all made Julian’s already uneasy stomach lurch.

To her credit, Iris didn’t even flinch. “I just want to ask you some questions. Please, just come down and let’s just talk about it.” She used the best version of her calm and soothing voice. 

“What’s his name?” Julian whispered to Wally.  He didn’t know if this sick feeling was from a reaction from the explosion or of his first trip alongside a speedster.

“Michael. Michael Jameson.” Wally walked over to join his sister. Julian wanted to find a corner where he could be vomit in private but he didn’t have the luxury.

“This is Julian.” Wally said, his calm voice a contrast to the excitability he had displayed less a minute before. “He can help you. He’s like you…he can do things with his mind. What he does is look into memories and see if you’re telling the truth or not. When was the date of the warehouse bombing?” He directed his question to Iris.

“July twenty-first,” she replied.

Michael looked back and forth from the siblings to Julian. “You’re lying,” he said with complete conviction.

“He’s not lying. I know it’s hard to believe, but I can do this. If you are telling the truth I’ll know it,” Julian said. His stomach was refusing to settle. “And I know how it is, to wake up and find you are someone else, something else…that you can do things and you have no idea what to do with it…” Julian words sounded like mindless ramblings to his own ears but the young man visibly relaxed.

“You can see into my mind?” At least now he was talking and not threatening to jump.

“Yes, but I won’t tell anyone anything more than what they need to know.  I promise. Think of me as a doctor or a lawyer….someone who has to keep things confidential.”

“Or a priest?”

Julian had never thought about it that way before but he didn’t have time to think it over. “Yes, like a priest,” he said as began inching his way over to join the rest of them. He would say anything to help the guy calm down.

“He’s looked into our memories, both of us, and he hasn’t said anything. You can trust him!” Iris said, making her own way closer.

Before Julian could blink Wally made his move. One moment he was there beside Julian, and the next he was gone and then was back again, holding onto the struggling Michael.

“Wally! That was dangerous!” Iris hissed. “Going so close to the edge like that…what if…”

“I know, don’t tell dad. Now, Michael, you want to do this or not? If not, we’ll have to take you downtown to the station.” The man struggled but Wally was able to keep him restrained. Julian felt it was time to step in. 

“It won’t hurt. I promise.” Taking off his gloves he handed them to Iris. “But I the only way I can do this is if you agree. I can’t do it against your will.”

Michael finally broke free of Wally’s grasp but remained where he was. “What do I have to do?”

“Nothing. Just stand there. Hold out your hands.”

The young man did so, hesitantly.

“I’m going to tell you a little of what I see. Nothing embarrassing, just so you know that I’m telling the truth.”  Michael followed his instructions. Julian’s hands encircled his wrists and waited for the images to come.

“Your name is Michael Sean Jameson. You were born in New York State. Your mother is…an estate agent, a relator, your dad…is a Civil engineer. Is that right?”

“You could have found that out from her!” Michael cast an accusing look at Iris.

“You had a party at your house, with your friends late one night when your parents were out of town. Someone broke a bottle of your father’s malt whiskey and a friend, Jeremy went to his parent’s house and got a bottle to replace it. No one ever found out. Could I have found that out from Iris?”

Michael’s mouth dropped open, a reaction that Julian was getting used to.

“Now think back to July twenty-first. Where you were. I’ll see it,” he said, doing his best to make his voice match the unflappable Iris.

The images came in quick succession. A young man finding out his anger caused things to blow up. Being frightened. Testing it out in abandoned places. Hiding so he wouldn’t hurt anyone. His situation reminded Julian of Caitlin’s constant battle against her other self.  He zeroed on July twenty-first. After a moment he dropped his hands, and turned to Iris who returned his gloves, doing her best not to touch him.

“He’s telling the truth,” Julian declared as he tugged the gloves over his hands and tried to ignore the tiny shocks to his brain they always caused. “He’s been keeping to himself since he discovered what he can do. He honestly doesn’t want to hurt anyone. On the day in question, he broke his self-imposed isolation and went out to eat. He fancies a waitress at the L’Auberage. Pretty petite blonde woman, with brown eyes. She noticed he was reading a newspaper article about Metas and they had a short conversation. Her name was Wendy. If you find her, she should corroborate his testimony.”

Michael visibly relaxed. “Yes. That’s exactly what happened. Find Wendy. I used to…go there a lot before this happened.” 

“I know.” Julian said. The nausea hit him again. “Michael, there’s some people who help people like us….they try to help us control these things that happen to us. If you go down to Star Labs with us, they’ll be more than happy to see what they can do for you.”

“I’ll think about it,” the young man said. Now that his innocence had been proven his whole demeanor changed. It had all happened so fast Julian had to take a moment to process it all.  He could do this. He could use this to help the team. This thing didn’t have to be a curse after all.

 

Wally refused to listen to his protests, returning Julian to Star Labs the same way he had left, leaving Iris and Michael to travel there by more conventional means.  Julian promptly found the nearest loo where he allowed his stomach to empty itself, finally giving him some relief.  He returned to his quarters where a cup of tea helped not only to settle his stomach but allowed him some time to think. The adventure had come without warning and had been settled so quickly by just a touch. His touch. He had helped save a life, maybe many lives.  He sat down on his bed and removed his gloves, laying them on the nightstand beside him so he could stare at his hands.

He had been ruminating for a few minutes when a shadow crossed the threshold to his room.  “So you feeling better?” Caitlin asked with a short laugh. “Can I come in?”

“Of course.” Julian sat up on the bed and was surprised to see she was carrying a small medical case.

Smiling, she sat down beside him. “I noticed you looked a little green when you got back.” She said as she the case to reveal her instruments. “I _am_ a doctor, remember. Need to give you a quick check up. Traveling with speedsters affects everyone in different ways but we have to be especially careful with…” She hesitated for a moment.

“People like me?” Julian supplied.

“People like us,” she corrected.   So, I know it made you nauseous. Were you dizzy?”

“A little,” he said as she picked up the Ophthalmoscope so she could examine his eyes. He flinched as the light flashed in front of him. Part of him wanted to remind her that he had been a medic while in the military and could do this himself but the other part of him wanted her there.

 “Normally this is a temporary thing. Most people get used to it.” She started to reach for his wrist but stopped herself. “Would you mind taking your own pulse?” She asked. He said nothing but placed his fingers around his wrist and counted.

“Sixty two. Perfectly normal for someone my age. So should I take my own blood pressure as well?”

“If you don’t mind,” she replied, unraveling the monitor as she removed it from the case. He did so, conscience of her eyes on him.  “One twenty over eighty. Again perfectly normal,” he said. “We could have done this in your office,” he said handing the instrument back to her. “With more sophisticated tech….” 

“Yes, I could have.” After replacing the monitor in the case, she stood up and started to pace. She reached the other side of the room before turning around to face him.  Julian rose to his feet, along with her and waited for her to continue. “I wanted some privacy. There is something, something I want you to know and I wasn’t sure how to tell you so…”  She rushed back to him and wrapped her arms around him in a tight embrace. Surprised, Julian returned the hug without protest.

 _Her desire to be doctor, the death of her dad,  life with her distant  grieving mother, going to school, Doctor Wells, Helping Barrie, Ronnie, losing Ronnie, the pain…._ then he saw himself. He was laughing at something and she was laughing along with him. A warm glow deep inside her when she looked at him. It wasn’t love, not yet, but it could have been. Then Caitlin as Killer Frost, Caitlin in a deep conversation with Oliver Queen…and the constant thing under the surface of her conciseness. Killer Frost waiting, bidding her time…Caitlin’s need to controller her and a desire for peace of mind that overwhelmed everything else…

She broke away. He thought he would be used to this by now, even seeing himself in someone else’s thoughts but this was just like the first time. Overwhelming. He couldn’t say anything but held up his hands so she could see he wasn’t wearing his gloves.

“I know,” she said. “I’m sorry, but I wanted you to know…to understand why I can’t stay. I don’t know if this can ever be fixed, but Oliver knows so many people, and he thinks there’s someone who can help me, but I have to do it alone. And I wanted you to know that…I’m grateful to you for…everything.”

Disappointment. A loss he hadn’t felt since Emma died but somewhere deep inside of him there was also acceptance. He had to let her go, again but at least now, he understood her completely and this time knew what she was going through.

“When?” was all he could ask.

“I’ll stay to make sure you can get in and out of the speed force safely,” she said as she replaced her instruments back into the case, closing it with a loud snap. “Then we’ll go from there, but I can’t stay. I’ll have to leave eventually, I have to do this and I don’t know how long it will take. I want you to…move on with your life. I’m sorry, Julian. Really, I am.” She did look sorry, her eyes downcast, her face twisted with emotion. With those words she was out the door, and figuratively, out of his life.

Julian sat down, taking a few moments to recover.  That feeling she had when she looked at him, when she laughed, it wasn’t much but it was something that would never leave him. He would keep it with him, safe forever, and it helped him make up his mind.

Putting his gloves back on, after noting the shocks seemed a little more painful than usual, he made his lonely way through the endless corridors, into the lift and back upstairs, down more endless corridors. The sound of the teams arguing had gotten louder. Smiling to himself he walked in on them without announcing his arrival. The conversation stopped. They were in their usual places. Cisco in the middle of the room, in front of the transparent board with random figures on display, Harry seated behind the desk, Jay in the corner, his arms crossed in front of him as always and Joe, standing toward the back of the room.  

“So,” he said without ceremony. “Are we ready to do this?”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	7. Chapter 7

Julian mind flew through Wally’s short life again but found himself fascinated with Jay Garrick’s story. He was an educated man who obtained his speed much as Barry had done, through an accident, but his  was of his own making.  Jay also played with time, but unlike Barry, learned his lesson after his first attempt, resigning himself to live with what he had done. Julian wanted to observe this man’s remarkable life in its entirety but a prick to his conscience reminded him why he was here.

Their shared memories of the Speed force created a separate place. Julian could breathe, he could see, smell and hear but his movements were slow, like walking through water. Bits and pieces of Wally and Jay’s life floated around him, sometimes elongated, sometimes squeezed into miniature moments, like reflections in a trick mirror. He forced himself to concentrate on Barry, mixing his own memories with Wally and Jay’s. They took him to a place that looked like Star Labs, empty except for the strange blue shadows, then to a house he did not recognize.

He found him. In the front room of the house, sitting on the sofa, staring at a spot on the floor, looking just as he had when Julian had last seen him. Julian took a moment to look around and knew, just knew this was Barry’s childhood home where he had witnessed the murder of his mother. Other figures appeared in the room, allowing Julian watched it play out in front of him but he knew what he saw wasn’t real. He was seeing what Barry remembered. It was still horrific even when viewed second hand.

He realized too late that he hadn’t really prepared himself for this exact moment. It was all about ‘find Barry’ but no discussion about what to do when he did.  Should he just say something? A casual ‘hey mate’ seemed grossly inappropriate with those moments on automatic replay.  Would it be harmful to Barry if he started interacting with him? He started mentally listing and discounting the numbers of things he could do to get his attention when Barry looked up.  His wide eyes confirmed to Julian that he could see him. The unreal sequence of events from his memories faded away, leaving the two of them alone.

“You said you weren’t going to do this anymore!” he said. There was a testy tone to his voice.

“Do what?” Julian asked before he thought, startled by the fact that Barry could see him.

“Show up like that, looking like someone from my past. Why Julian? Is it because I accidentally yanked him out of some other timeline…”

“Barry, it’s me. Julian.” The remark about the other timeline caught him off guard but that was a question for later. “I’m not part of the speed force. I’m just…visiting.” The words sounded absurd but there was no other way to explain it.

“That’s impossible!” Barry’s jaw tightened.

“Not really. And I’m not really here. I’m sort of, channeling Jay and Wally’s memories like I did with Savitar.  Think of me as a sort of…dream.”

“That makes no sense!” He was angry. “You said no more, that you’d leave me alone until...”

“I know it doesn’t make any sense but hear me out!” Julian said firmly. Taking a deep breath, he began to recount his adventures of the past few weeks. Barry started to object several times but was always silenced every time Julian added a new twist to the story.  The skepticism on his face turned to disbelief then to shock as Julian finished his tale. He stood up and began pacing around the room. 

“I’m sorry Julian. I had no idea. I thought…I didn’t…damn!” He sat down and covered his face with his hands. “Is there anyone out there whose life I haven’t messed up?”

There was a small part of Julian that wanted to comfort Barry, to assure him that there were no hard feelings because there was no time for this.  He didn’t know how long he could keep up the connection with Jay and Wally.

“Barry, it’s ok. I’m learning to live with it. I’ve even used it to help the team. They sent me here to find out if you are….” Then hit him. Pain. Starting out as the familiar tiny shocks, gradually increasing until an unseen force stabbed straight into his brain.

“Julian, are you alright? You shouldn’t be here.”  Barry was at his side, his hand descending to touch his arm.  Julian instinctively moved out of the way. He had no idea how his abilities would play out in this place.

“Sorry, mate. No touching.” He forced a smile despite the pain.  Barry looked confused, then comprehension set in, his hand dropping back down to his side.  “I’m sorry Julian. I’m sorry about everything.”

Just as quickly as it had come, the pain passed. Julian rubbed his temple to make sure but there was no vestige left of whatever it was that had assaulted him. Barry was right. He shouldn’t be here, even in dream form.  “It’s alright. It’s gone.” Once more Julian was conscious of time. “The team, they want to know if you’re ok and to let you know they are doing everything they can…”

“To bring me back. Tell them to stop.” Barry returned to his seat on the sofa. His eyes went back to the place where he had last seen his mother.

“Barry, I can’t tell them that! They…” Small pricks of pain started up again. Julian tried to ignore it

“Tell them I have to stay here until…everything is healed. Until all the things I messed up are put right. This isn’t just purgatory Julian. This is a hospital. The longer I stay here, the better. It means more time for things to be put back together. Tell them, I’m ok. I’m not lonely, I’m taken care of but I have to stay here for a little while longer until all the damage I’ve done has been repaired.”

Julian allowed his words to settle in his mind. It all fit together. Fractured timelines, misplaced lives, abuse of temporal energy and all its after effects. Yes, it made sense. “And how long will that be? What do I tell them?”

“It could be years, it could be last week. It could be when I get back, they’ll not even have noticed I was gone.  What I did, didn’t just affect us. It’s a temporal wound. It reaches over many timelines, many Earths. I can’t walk away from my responsibility. Tell them that.” He was completely resigned to his fate. “How…how are they?”

“They are doing ok, in and of themselves but they are obsessed with finding you, although they took time out from that to help me…”  

“Which they should have done. I’m glad. I’m glad they’re looking out for you, and you, you look out for them. Stay together, stay a team. Tell Iris I love her and I’m doing this for us, just as much as anyone else.  Remind them of what I told you….please Julian?” Julian had seen Barry’s face like this before, right when he left them to come here.

The pain retreated again. “I’ll tell them if that’s what you want but I don’t know if it will do much good. You know how stubborn they are.” Barry allowed himself a small smile. A thought occurred to Julian. “What did you mean about yanking me out of another timeline?”

Before Barry could answer, something started to glow on the other side of the room.  It took the shape of a small ball of light, becoming bigger and bigger until it gradually became a young woman. Julian felt his throat grow dry, his heart began to beat faster. Part of him wanted to run away, part of him needed to stand still, to confront this image in front of him.

“Who are you?” Barry asked the image.

The woman walked across the room to stand in front of Julian. She held out her hand, indicating that he should do the same. She felt real, as real as anything could in this place and this time, there were no flashing images. She smiled, causing tears to fall unabashedly down his face.

“Hello Julian,” she said.

Julian finally found his voice. “Emma?”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	8. Chapter 8

“Julian,” Barry’s voice was soft. “That’s not your sister.”

“I know,” Julian said. Releasing her hand he took a step back from the apparition. Someone had reached into his mind and recreated her from a picture he kept on his desk at home. He took a deep breath before continuing. “Have I done something wrong in coming here? We didn’t mean any harm. We wanted to communicate with…”

“You brought him back,” she said. She sounded like Emma but there was no inflection in her voice.

“I brought who back?” Julian wished she would change the expression on her face. Cough, frown, smile, do anything instead of standing there staring at him like he had brought the plague with him.

“The Time Remint. The source of the pain. He is trying to reform, to achieve cohesion. To repossess you. He knows you are here. He knows what can happen here.”

Julian broke out into a cold sweat as dread overpowered him. Memories of waking up from blackouts, of Barry confronting him with the revelation of who and what he was rushed back from his immediate past. The pain came back, sharper this time, like razors on the inside of his scalp. The idea that the monster known as Savitar was struggling inside his brain to make a return only heightened his anxiety. The ghost of his sister reached over and touched his temples, causing the pain to cease.

“This,” she said, keeping her hands in place as she spoke. “This is what has allowed you to look into places and see things no one was allowed to see. To your credit, you did what he least expected. You turned it around for good and that frightens him. If you follow the path you have set for yourself, there will be no place for him. He is resisting, he will always resist. You did the right thing, coming here, but this cannot continue."

“You can stop this?” Julian asked as she lowered her hands.

“Yes, but it will require a choice. We can send you back to that timeline you just came from, and your life will be the same as when you left it, but you will always feel this pain, the struggle. He will not stop in his quest to become Savitar again,” she replied. “And Barry will remain here.”

Julian thought of the life he had, of Caitlin. Even though she made it clear she had to leave again he was still planning on having that drink with her as a last goodbye. Memories of Cisco, of Joe and Iris, and Wally rushed back reminding him of the short time they spent together and now, with these new abilities, he had a purpose. The pull to go back was strong.

“And if I don’t go back?”

“You will go to where you should be.”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“Julian,” Barry stepped into the conversation. “I never told you this, but in the other timeline, before I created Flashpoint, you didn’t exist in our world, or at least not in our part of the world. When I returned, to the new timeline you were there. I didn’t know you, didn’t know where you came from….”

  
“So, in other words, I wasn’t supposed to be there?”

“No.”

Of everything that had been thrown at Julian over the past months, that was probably the most shocking thing of all. He had assumed he had always been there, with the team, maybe a bit different from the way he was now but still a part of it all. The idea that he had been picked up randomly from some unknown place and time and dropped into Barry’s life was something he could not comprehend.

“You were part of the fracturing, of the wounding. You bled over from one timeline into another. If you refuse to go forward, you will delay Barry’s return to where he should be-” the Speed force began.

“Because the timeline needs to heal.” Julian finished for her. “And it can’t heal if I’m out of place.”

“Yes.”

“Julian,” Barry took a deep breath, taking the time to look around the room before continuing.” I can’t tell you what to do but you should know, in the other timeline, Caitlin wasn’t Killer Frost, and Cisco’s brother was still alive….”

“If you go to where you belong, be warned, you will lose many things you had, but with every loss, there will be much that you will gain,” said Speed Force Emma.

 _Caitlin._ He would lose Caitlin.

“Will I even remember any of this?”

“No. But he will…” She said pointing to Barry. “You won’t be forgotten.”

“What about the rest of them? The people I left behind… Will they miss me?”

“The timelines will heal, the paradoxes will resolve themselves.” Something inside Julian fought at the idea of popping into non-existence.” We cannot force you to do this.” The room started to spin and what looked like a reel of film encircled the room. They were surrounded by images. Images of Julian with his family, intact. Julian alone with all of his family gone, Julian as a professor, lecturing in a class, Julian living a myriad of different lives. An image of Caitlin, the way he remembered her, but whole, happy, standing by a handsome young man Julian recognized as her late husband. Cisco with a young man who must have been Dante, Barry, and Iris sitting at a table with Joe and Wally-

“Am I supposed to pick one?” He asked, half sarcastically as the images continued to fly past. She did not answer.

“Julian, the truth is, I created Flashpoint and messed with time for my own selfish reasons.” Barry laid a hand on Julian’s shoulder and for the first time in a long time, Julian didn’t flinch or pull away. “Please don’t make the same mistake I did, and I’m not just saying that because I want to go back. In the end, it will just be better for everyone. Who knows, you might have a better life someplace else, we might meet again. The possibilities…”

Barry’s little speech along with the spinning images pushed him over the edge to his decision. It _would_ be selfish to go back to what he remembered, to hold time hostage, to keep Barry here just so he could play the hero.

“If I can help facilitate Barry’s return to where he should be, and put everybody else’s lives back in order then I’m not going back. Put me in the place where I will do the most good.”

At last, the image of Emma smiled. “That is what you always say.”

He wondered what she meant by that but before he could ask she touched his temples again, Julian felt it leave. The energy manifested itself into small individual sparks that floated through the blue space. He watched as they came together, forming the image of a person and then slowly and quietly it melted into Barry. The time remnant had returned to its proper place. Instantly Julian felt better. He hadn’t realized until that moment what a weight he had been carrying around.

Barry’s face relaxed. He started to smile, overwhelmed by the sensation. “It’s getting better, time. I can feel it. Thank you, Julian. I will never forget you, or this.”

The images faded as Julian woke from his forgotten daydream to the smell of Mexican food. He turned from his desk to face Emma, standing in the door of his office, trying to balance herself between holding the takeaway and leaning on her cane.

“I said I didn’t have time for lunch today,” he said getting up so he could take the food from her. Placing it all on his desk he pulled a chair over for her to sit down.

“Nonsense. You said you didn’t have time to leave the office.” She sat down immediately started to arrange the food, unfolding the wrappings. The smell of spices became overpowering. “You have plenty of time to eat. Besides, I wanted to talk to you.” The cane fell unceremoniously to the floor. Julian picked it up and leaned it against the wall.

“I would have preferred curry,” he said absently as he returned to his place at his desk opposite her and turned to face his computer. He could see her reflection in the screen, refusing to react as she made a playful face at what she thought was behind his back.

“Not a lot of Indian takeaways in America, or so I’ve been led to believe, but there is a lot of Mexican. I thought you should start acclimating yourself.”

“I haven’t said I’d do it yet!”

“But they asked specifically for you. Your paper caused quite a stir.” She picked up a burrito and took a small bite. “This is good!” she said. Julian was reminded of how close he had come to losing her and lucky he was to have her now. 

“I don’t know. It would be at least six months and I don’t know if we’re ready…”

“Look at me.’ She spoke the words with such force Julian had to comply. She placed the burrito on the desk with a small amount of ceremony and looked straight into his eyes. “I’m ready Julian.”

He let his eyes wander to the picture of his parents. It had been eighteen months since the crash took them, eighteen months of seeing his sister through months of rehabilitation. Six months since she was able to leave the wheelchair.

“I’m ready,” She repeated. “And you need to do something else besides sit around and worry after me. I know you want to do this, and you should. I’m getting better every day, I have friends who’ll look after me, and I’ll be fine. Go, live your life, and let me live mine.”

Julian turned back to his computer, clicking on a few buttons. A picture filled his screen.

“They're all so young!” He said.

‘They aren’t THAT much younger than you, besides, that was one of the reasons they wanted you. Better than some old git set in his ways, resistant to new ideas.” She started to stuff her mouth with food, forcing a smile from Julian.

“I’ll miss you,” he said. He would. They had been inseparable since the accident, holding onto each other through the grief and distracting each other with her recovery.

“Don’t be so maudlin!” she said, forcing the last bit of food down.” I’ll see you in six months and by that time I hope to have gotten rid of that,” She said, pointing toward her cane.

He turned his attention back toward the computer screen. ‘It’s a shame I won’t get a chance to meet Doctor Wells. Tragic…”

“Yes, the explosion took him and Doctor Snow’s husband but the rest of them are determined to carry on with the project. Doctor Wells was the first to notice your work, brought you to their attention and they are just following through.” Julian’s eyes fell on the young woman in the picture. Dark hair pulled back from a smiling face. She was very pretty.

“You seem awfully well informed about the inner workings of Astro Laboratories,” He said. The aroma of the food was finally starting to convince him that he was hungry.

“Well, I can read the press clippings the same as anyone else,” she said. “Go ahead. Tell them you accept. Now!”

He no longer tried to suppress his smile. Pulling up his professional account he began his reply.

_Dear Doctor Allen,_

_In reference to the invitation to join your team for a short-term assignment, I wish to say that I accept your kind offer…._

 


End file.
